The previous posts/videos assumed that both members of a couple wanted to work on communication. But what if one spouse doesn't want to try?

Obviously I can’t speak for your spouse, but if it’s you, why don’t you want to try? Send me a message and let me know. In the meantime here are a few possible reasons:

1. She’s so critical I just don’t want to hear what she says.
   

As I’ve said, criticism is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, i.e., four aspects of communication that have a high probability of spelling the end of a relationship.

As the listener you’re in a tough position here. But a soft answer will often stop the criticism from escalating. Then at a time when you are both in the green zone, ask if she would be open to talking with you about how you feel attacked sometimes. Have a specific example or two. To talk about it with her in a general way might be to say something like “You are always so critical when you talk to me about how I…” That kind of sounds like criticism, doesn't it? So don’t be afraid to complain, but in a gentle, specific way. And at a time that is good for both of you. 

2.   She is making a mountain out of a mole-hill.

I suppose there may be some drama kings and queens out there, but overall, if your spouse is telling you it’s a problem, it’s a problem. A man’s willingness to receive influence from his wife is another strong predictor of marital success, according to the Gottmans.  So if your attitude about this is just part of your pattern of not being influenced by your wife, research would say that your marriage is headed for trouble. But the good news is that if you've identified this as a problem then you know what to change. It might be wise to confess it to your wife, and tell her you’re sorry. 

3.   I’m just not good at listening.

Sure, some of us have attention deficit issues, but I wonder…  Is it possible that you can listen well when your friend is telling you about something you’re both interested in?  What if you really believed that improving your listening skills would improve other areas of your relationship too?  I’m not trying to be insensitive here, but sometimes it seems to me that inability is really just a lack of motivation.

4.   I don’t care anymore

That’s a problem. Maybe you’re just burnt out from all of the conflict, stress, anger, criticism, etc. in your house. Regular doses of this kind stuff will go a long way toward depleting a couple’s love tank. Or maybe other things may have moved into your relationship to take the priority that should be given to your marriage. In Matthew 6:21 Jesus addressed the issue of what we treasure, and it is implied that we can control what we value. And this gives me a lot of hope that an uncaring attitude can be changed.

Whatever the reason, if you feel like you’re beyond caring there are a few things you might want to think about. Maybe you’re so fed up that leaving seems like the best option. But if you ever want to be married again consider this. Research shows that the best opportunity for a successful relationship is with the person you are currently married to. Also, there were probably good reasons why you got married in the first place. Things that attracted you to each other. It could be time to revisit them. Marriages fail for a lot of reasons, but in my opinion way too many fail simply because either or both people simply quit working at it like they did at the first.

Disclaimer!! This obviously doesn’t apply to an abusive relationship – more about that next time.

5.    I have found someone else.

If this is a real person, or pornography, the research referenced above applies. In the moment that may seem farfetched, the person you are currently having an affair with probably seems perfect. (An expert in couples having affairs calls it “being on the drug”). But if he or she is willing to cheat with you, what makes you think he or she is not willing to cheat on you? If it’s porn, it’s probably an addiction. Get help. In all of these cases, it’s an escape. The harder route of working on the relationship instead of escaping into a fantasy world will bring you more happiness and satisfaction in the end.

One last thought – which should have been the first. Pray!! If your spouse is willing, pray together! God is for you, and His intentions toward you are good. I think the reason He hates divorce is because of all the hurt it causes to everyone involved.

To summarize, you might have what looks like a good reason not to try to communicate with your spouse. But in most cases, if you are willing to put forth some effort in this area, you will be glad you did. 

To end this segment on listening I want take one more swing at the selfishness topic.  It’s fitting right now since I just got done talking about pride.  And pride – the destructive kind the Bible talks about – is generally rooted in selfishness. 

Author and conference speaker Paul Tripp says the issues usually identified as sources of marital discord are simply locations where a deeper problem reveals itself.  And that deeper problem is selfishness. 

All of the barriers to communication I’ve discussed to this point can be overcome.  I’ve even talked about some ways to overcome them.  But while techniques to improve listening skills may be simple, they are not easy.  They require change.  Change takes effort, effort doing something that is contrary to our inclinations.  To do something contrary to our inclination takes self-discipline.  In Biblical language that’s “dying to self” (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23).  To die to self we can’t be selfish.

If this sounds too hard, I encourage you to think about the following statistics:

• The rate of child abuse in single parent households is nearly twice the rate of child abuse in two parent households.
• 7.4 percent of children who live with one parent have been sexually abused, vs 4.2 percent of children who live with both biological parents.
• In one study 62-68% of men and 68% of women confessed to being unfaithful.
• Same study: about 40% of Christian couples have had infidelity by time they are 40.

Does that sound like the kind of heartache you want, or that you want to cause?

So if dying to self sounds like something you want, the obvious question is “How do I do this?”

Jesus said to anyone who comes after Him “…let him deny himself…” (Mat 16:24, Mar 8:34, Luke 9:23).  Practice in self-denial will help us to build the emotional muscle that allows us to work on our own selfishness.  In my experience a lack of self-discipline in one area of life tends to bleed over into other areas.  But likewise, practice of discipline in one area of life tends to equip me for discipline in other areas.  It might be one of the reasons fasting has been a practice of Christ-followers throughout the centuries.  Denying a legitimate physical desire in one area of our life can give us greater resolve in other areas. 

But more importantly than this, in each of the three gospels referenced above, Jesus makes self-denial and “…tak[ing] up his cross…” a condition of discipleship.  Paul tells the Corinthian church the same thing in 2Co 5:15”so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died…”  This is a pointed directive from Jesus: if we claim to be one of his followers we must be in the process of no longer living only for ourselves.  So if people close to you would characterize you as selfish, ask yourself if you’re really following Jesus.  And if you  have a pattern of choosing selfishness, it may shed so light on why your close relationships are in trouble.

A couple of other thoughts about this.  First, in an abusive relationship, one person may be choosing selflessness but the other accuses them of being selfish.  Outside perspective can be really helpful in these situations.  Second, cross bearing speaks of enduring hardship, trial or pain.  Just like in Christian discipleship, the person who marries for life must expect to have to deny themselves sometimes.  But note: if you have left an abusive relationship please don’t take guilt from anything I wrote above!!!

One final comment:

I knew a couple who had gone through the death of their two-year-old son.  Statistics for couples experiencing this kind of trauma are not good.  Divorce rates can be up to 8 times the norm according to one study.  But observing this couple one day when we visited their church, it was easy to see that they loved each other.  I asked the husband how they had beat the odds and his advice was priceless.  “You just can’t be selfish” he replied.  

Another barrier to communication that I’ve touched on is defensiveness. 

Defensiveness in communication is a problem because when it occurs, listening stops. We focus on how to respond, not on what the other is saying.  

So how do we get through this barrier? To start with, let’s think about what makes us to defensive.  

Defensiveness usually happens when we perceive a threat to ourselves.  This usually happens when we feel attacked, criticized, misunderstood or disrespected.  It can happen if we don’t take responsibility too.  It’s a natural response to hearing something that makes us uncomfortable.  But being natural doesn’t make it good for our relationships.  Here’s an example:

Dawn:  Why didn’t you get the insurance company called like I asked? (Could be attacking)

Scott:  Why did I need to do that?  Work’s crazy right now, besides, what are you doing all day?  Why is it I have to take care of all of these details?  (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about this!  And do you think I don’t do anything around here?  That’s really unfair!!  I do a lot around here, and you hardly lift a finger to help!! (Escalation, attacking)

In this example, Dawn felt attacked because I was attacking.  But any chance at healthy communication was lost when she became defensive and started firing back.  I share in the blame but she can’t control what I say, just how she responds.

So here are some good “be” suggestions I’ve seen for dealing with defensiveness:

• Be empathetic!  Whether I agree with her or not, she’s feeling what she’s feeling.  And if I identify with that, it could calm the situation enough for us to move out of defensiveness. 
  
  
• Be non-judgmental!  She is probably bringing it up because she thinks I will listen, and I can improve my relationship if I will listen instead of quickly dismissing what she says.
  
  
• Be responsible!  She might have a good reason to ask me about the task, and it certainly would end better if I didn’t get defensive.  A humble “I’m sorry”, if appropriate, could improve my relationship more than needing to always be right.  But remember, being the only one who says I’m sorry isn’t healthy, either.
  
  

One other thought: a soft startup will help tone down a conversation that has the potential to bring out defensiveness.  This means complaining instead of criticizing or attacking.  According to Gottman, “If you start an argument harshly--meaning you attack your spouse verbally--you'll end up with at least as much tension as you began. But if you use a softened startup…the discussion is likely to be productive. And if most of your arguments start softly, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy" (emphasis mine).

So let’s try another potentially defensive conversation using this advice.

Dawn:  Hey, what was this $350 charge on the VISA card from Bass Pro Shop? (soft startup)

Scott:  Ohh!  That would be the handgun I bought.  I was meaning to tell you about it, but it’s been a crazy week, and I’ve wanted it for a long time. (Defensiveness)

Dawn:  I thought we agreed about talking about it before we bought anything over $100.  It makes me feel afraid when you spend money on something that impacts our budget like that.  (Complaint, a criticism would be “You always spend more than you should…”)

Scott:  I can understand how it would make you to feel afraid when you see a big charge like that you weren’t expecting.  I’m sorry, I should have told you. (Empathy, responsibility)

It’s not hard to imagine how this conversation would have gone if she had started out more harshly and if I hadn’t chosen to be empathetic and take responsibility. 

Again, according to Gottman, if most of your arguments start gently, your marriage is likely to be stable and happy.

As I make the videos I’m seeing that there are a few more things I want to write as well.  So I’m posting this to the blog, even though it's not exactly in order of the subjects within the blog.  But as I wrote the script for the next videos, I realized I wanted to discuss this part of communication more. So here it is. 

Hot button topics are next.  You might remember that these are subjects or issues we’re passionate about, or issues that set us off. 

Hot button topics can be like landmines – if you know where they are you try to tiptoe around them.  If you don’t, you'll experience an unexpected explosion.  For example:

Brett: Hey, did you hear about that report on the decline of polar bears?

Philip: No, what about it?

Brett: It said that global warming is affecting the bears’ habitat, and that if we don’t decrease our carbon emissions, they’ll all die.

Philip: (Louder) What!! What kind of nonsense is that?  What are you saying?  Aren’t polar bears supposed to be able to swim?!?  You mean it’s my fault that they can’t lay around on icebergs all day??

Brett:  (Louder) Chill, I was just telling you what it said.  You always get so upset about stupid things!

Philip:  (Louder) I do not!!  Besides, you agreed with it, you liberal wacko!!! 

Apparently global warming was a hot-button topic for Philip, and things were headed downhill.  Here are some things you can do when one of these blows up on you.

From the Bible, Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath.  When one person in the conversation begins to get upset, the natural response is for the other to do so as well.  But if we take the advice of Proverbs, we will choose to speak more softly.  Remember, it takes two people to argue.  So let’s try it again with the Proverbs approach:

Brett: Hey, did you hear about that report on the demise of polar bears?

Philip: No, what about it?

Brett: It said that global warming is affecting the bears’ habitat, and that if we don’t decrease our carbon emissions, they’ll all die.

Philip: (Louder) What!! What kind of nonsense is that?  What are you saying?  Aren’t polar bears supposed to be able to swim?!?  So it’s my fault that they can’t lay around on icebergs all day??

Brett: (quieter)  No, I didn’t say that.  I was just telling you what the report said, I don’t necessarily agree with all of it.

Philip: (a little quieter)  Oh.  Well, did they talk about how the data was collected?

Something else we can do is to recognize when we are getting emotional.  A tool we can use to talk about this is shown below.  You can think of it as if we have different emotional  zones.  In the green zone we’re calm, when we move to the yellow we’re somewhat upset, and at the red zone we’re really mad.  As we move from the green to yellow to red, our heart rates increase and the level of oxygen in our blood decreases.  This means less rational thinking and more impulsive emotion.  That’s why people who think back later on what they’ve done might say something like “I don’t know what came over me”.

Obviously, communication when we’re in the red zone is not going to go well.  So how about trying these steps? 

1. Talk with your spouse about green, yellow and red zones when you’re in the green zone.  That gives you and your spouse this communication tool. 
   
   
2. When you’re moving into the yellow zone, let your spouse know.  This will take tact.  It might help to include an admission that “I’m getting upset”.
   
   
3. Agree to a 20-30 minute break for both of you to cool off.  But remember, it’s not finished; plan to get back together to resolve the conflict.
   
   

We’ll talk about fatigue, bad attitudes and multi-tasking in upcoming videos and blogs.